Two carbon fragment shark repellent

All study applicants will be screened by Sarah to ensure they meet the physical ability requirements

Looking for volunteers to duplicate my initial study in Spanish Cay

Monday was a holiday in the Bahamas as well.  The Bahamians are undecided as to the status of Christopher Columbus so they instead celebrate Discovery Day.   The Green Turtle Cay residents pack up the picnic coolers and head to another Cay for beach parties.  We usually go out that afternoon and shoot our own fish and lobster, bring them back and cook for everyone.  This affords me another opportunity to test my new shark repellent outside the controlled environment of the lab.

I have been doing uncontrolled studies of this repellent for the past several years.  It was first introduced to me by the famous Babs Sams, free diver  extroidinaire.  It is basically a two carbon fragment, somewhat volatile liquid that is ingested before during and after the shark encounter.  I am of course referring to Grey Goose.  Sarah insists that Smirnoff offers superior protection due to the less involved distillation process (it tastes like diesel fuel and I agree is repulsive). 

The following are actual case studies.  While diving with Babs behind Manjack Cay I speared a respectable grouper.  He swam with my spear into a coral head with a fairly large cave like opening at the base.  This represents a problem for several reasons.  #1: You don’t want to lose your $60 stainless steel speer.  #2 You don’t want to lose or waste the fish.  #3 This represents a challenge to the free diver that we can’t pass up.  After mucking around in this 20 foot deep cave for 30 or 40 seconds I came out to be starred in the face by a moderate size shark….maybe one foot in front of my mask.  The two carbon fragment repellent I had ingested earlier worked according to my previous studies.  It does not however have any affect on preventing incontinence because I about S#$t in my pants.   Babs was watching from above and seemed to be very amused…she shares this shark repellent with me in these double blind controlled studies.  Babs was watching the shark for some time and knew it was only a nurse shark.  She suggested I let the nurse shark have the fish and that we move on.  We needed to clear that area because it was now a potential biohazzard anyway.

Case study number three occurred yesterday.  Donny and I went to one of his secret spots off No Name Cay.  We tried to bait up grouper with crawfish heads without much luck.  Donny decided to spear a Chub to bring the grouper out from the rocks.  The only thing that maneuver brought out was a bull shark.  I however had been rendered invisible by my shark repellent.  Donny was feeling vulnerable  and shot at it with his speer.   The bull shark swam away due to my shark repellent, not Donny’s volley.

As you will remember in a previous blog my alpha study was at Spanish Cay where my “friends” suggested I do my initial trial.  Read back a few months to my swimming with the bull sharks blog.  This initial trial is well documented but has never been duplicated at Spanish.  I can’t get any one else to try it.  My son and his life guard buddies would like to come down for some diving fun.  If they can clear Sarah’s rigorous testing and physical requirements, I will enroll them in the study.

Pool and Restaurant Etiquette

Could these lovely ladies drive a lawn dart through someone's head?

My friends Sarah and Leanne came over from GTC in the boat with their kids to play in the pool and jacuzzi at the Bahama Beach Club late yesterday afternoon.   Leanne is a talented artist and Sarah owns the best bar, restaurant and marina on Green Turtle Cay.  A guy by the name of Ernie was in the pool drinking Crown Royal and beer while chain smoking…this I believe is called multi tasking.  Ernie and another male friend had four “professional” women  giggling and frolicking in the pool.  I don’t think these women as lovely as  they were had any actual degrees.   This goes way beyond multi tasking.  Neither Ernie nor his friend appeared to have the testosterone reserves necessary to maintain the attention of their female “friends” so I am sure the ladies were attracted to him for his witty intellect and razor like repartee.  (Not).  I thought Sarah and Leanne were  about to drive lawn darts through the two ugly americans heads so we decided to move the kids to the beach.

The reason I bring this up is because Ernie reminded me somewhat of my former father in law (in appearance only).   My father in law could turn on a dime with just the right amount of Canadian club (as you will see) but his over all demeanor was gentle.  Walton (my father in law) and I were fishing buddies.  He was the naturally strongest man I have ever met.  He was built like Larry Zonka.  His wrists were too large to accomodate a watch.  This man could take a 14 pound sledge hammer and hold it straight out, parallel to the ground with one hand at the end of the wooden handle.  Try it some time.

After fishing all day in a tournament down in Fort Pierce, Walton, his son Johnny, an old friend of Walton’s named Sambo and I went to the finest water front restaurant in Fort Pierce.  We don’t take those tournaments too seriously so Walton and his friend Sambo hydrate with Canadian Club and ice.  They are fastidious about their hydration status.  Needless to say I am not having good feelings about all this.  I thought it was important for me to match them drink for drink so that we would be functioning on the same plane (the only way I could stand them when they were shit faced drunk).  The restaurant was very crowded.  Soft music was playing, the waiters wore black and walked with white towels on their forearms (which would come in handy).  We were finally seated in the center of a large dining area surrounded by happy families and elderly people who may well be enjoying their last meal.   Dinner was ordered and more drinks were served.

While waiting and drinking the topic of conversation turned to Walton’s Wahoo dinner order.  Sambo was quite certain that the restaurant didn’t know a wahoo from  a yoohoo and that Walton didn’t stand a chance of getting what he thought he ordered.  For some reason Walton didn’t take this well.  He informed Sambo that he knew a mother f&%*ing wahoo when he saw it.  This declaration was quickly followed by Sambo’s right cross.  Sambo didn’t have the body mass of Walton but Walton’s counter punch was enough to knock over not only our table, but EVERY other table behind us.   By now dishes are flying glasses are breaking old ladies are on the floor with their granny pants exposed and dresses over their heads.  The tables literally were turned over like dominoes.  You have to pack as many people as possible into those fine seafood restaurants.

In the midst of the melee we could hear police sirens in the distance.  My brother in law (Waltons son) informs me in no uncertain terms that I better break them up.  By now they have rolled out the dining room into the Bar and the sirens were getting louder.   I handed the manager a couple of hundred dollar bills, grabbed Walton and we headed down the steps.  Johnny grabbed Sambo (Sambo was half Walton’s size) and we all ran for the truck.  By now Sambo and Walton were worried about getting arrested and had stopped fighting.  Somehow we made it to the truck and hauled ass before the police arrived.

We never did get the Wahoo.  If memory serves me well we stopped at Mcdonalds where I was relatively certain there would be no fighting over the authenticity of our hamburgers.

Aspen the Mauler

Hey there. Come a little closer.

It’s been some time since I have posted so I hope you haven’t forgotten me.  Through a series of seemingly random events I have ended up as caretaker and surrogate health care provider to the most loathsome, depraved , malevolent animal ever abarently conceived by mother nature.  I’m of course referring to “Aspen the Mauler”.

Aspen is a cockatoo.  You know..remember “Baretta” and Fred the cockatoo who would answer the phone?  Well Aspen is larger than Fred and suffers from an extraordinarily malignant form of sociopathic personality disorder.  He or she (since it wears no comfortable shoes and doesn’t part his or her hair, I have no way of determining gender) originally belonged to my son.  We bought the bird at a very young age when it was necessary to hand feed the little bastard to keep it alive and encourage “imprinting and bonding”.  That lasted about one week until my son ignored the bird completely and my now ex wife took over the care and feeding.  They certainly bonded because she is the only human it will not attempt to maul.

Since my ex spent most of her time in the states (decided she wasn’t an island girl) I was responsible for the care and feeding of “mauler”.  If you are not faster than those world class kid cup stackers, mauler will collect finger tips.  I was bitten so badly a couple of years ago that I had to fly to the states in an attempt to reattach the digital nerve of my right index finger.  That didn’t go too well.  Since I am generally an animal lover I am forced to continue the care and feeding of “mauler”.  Last year after being lured into a false sense of confidence, the little f#%&er bit off my finger tip.  Fortunately I had some dermabond in my office and glued it back on.

Yesterday evening I went out to feed Aspen and lucky the wonderdog.  Aspen was not in its cage.  Lucky had a shit eating grin….but then brain damaged dogs always have a shit eating grin (refer to old blog).  I saw no tell tale feathers or bird carcass anywhere.  After inspecting the cage it was evident that the mauler had worked out one of the bolts securing the top of the cage and had cantilevered it enough to escape to freedom.  This could well be my new national holiday.  Blaming as I do everything on Sister Techla Marie and catholic guilt syndrome I actually took a glance around hoping I would not see houdini anywhere.  Sure enough the little amputator was insecurely sitting on a palm branch in the tree next door.  She was surrounded by insects in direct sunlight and looking very mortified.

Before I attempt this rescue, should I finalize a will, call my loved ones one more time, get drunk, fortify with Xanax, get drunk , pray, get drunk?  I rescued the little bastard using a towel and Grey Goose.  My Karma is still kicking because it left all my digits intact and only attempted to take an eyeball once.  Aspen is back in it’s cage planning  the next escape.  If there is anyone out there who would love and care for this sweet gentil giant, just leave a comment on my blog.  They will live for 60 or 70 years.

Dog at Large…or my life as a criminal

Sometimes you have to go with the flow

There is a low pressure trough over the Abacos this weekend, so the weather is bad but the surf is great.  Sarah and I surfed off Pelican point most of the day.   Surfing used to be an integral part of my life.  In fact thats why I chose my residency program because of its proximity to New Smyrna Beach.  At the time I had an old 57 chevy pick up and a huge Red Doberman named Adidas.  Adidas was given to me in medical school by a very close friend.  That dog as much as I loved him landed me in county jail.

Adidas and I used to drive to the inlet on the beach in high tide in the evening after work.  He used to follow me out on my surfboard until he nearly drowned so I had to start tying him to the bumper.  By the time he chewed through the ropes it was usually time for me to come in.  I mention this only so that you will understand how Adidas knew his way to the beach.

As a resident , you work long hours for little pay.  I would often be at work for 24 to 48 hours at a time.  I had a fenced in back yard in the New Smyrna ghetto.  I would leave plenty of food and the back door open for my dog.   Soon afterwards I began to notice beach sand throughout the house and on my bed.  At times I would come home after a long shift to find my vicious doberman sitting next to the ancient lady in her rocking chair next door.  “He comes to visit me every day late in the after noon” she said with a smile shaped by 90 years of life’s experience good and bad.

After coming home  from a particularly bad shift one day, I was met by a female NSB police officer who informed me my dog was in the pokey and that I would have to come to the station to bail him out.   She could see the incredulous look on my face so explained without my asking that Adidas had been picked up on the beach.  In fact, they had been trying to catch him for several weeks.  In order to get to the beach from my house you had to travel three miles over two high rise bridges.   The story gets much better if you have the time to read on.

I was issued a ticket for “Dog at Large” at the NSB police station when I bailed his criminal ass out.  I am a doctor not a lawyer so I assumed I would pay a fine and we would escape this shame through the passage of time.  Two weeks later there was a 4:00 a.m. knock on my door…nothing good comes knocking on your door at 4:00 a.m.  “Are you John ____ “, the biggest cop I have ever seen in my life asked me.  “Yes”.  “Do you own a large red dog?”  “Yes, thats him over there.”  We both turned to see Adidas the watch dog woken from a sound sleep in my easy chair,on his back, feet in the air with what I will swear to this day was a grin on his slobbery face.   The officer informed me that he was here to arrest me.  I tried to explain that I was on my way to the hospital.  I had patients to make rounds on.  Labs to draw, x-ray s to read and donuts to eat.  Even the donuts didn’t sway him.  I am supposed to hand cuff you sir and bring you in the back of my police car to jail and your preliminary hearing for “dog at Large” and failure to appear.  “Appear where ?” I asked…  “court”.  “But don’t worry ( these words NEVER ring true) this must be a big mistake.”  “Just follow me in your car and explain the circumstances to the judge.  He will release you on the spot.”

Well, I followed the police officer  into court where I wasn’t able to open my mouth but instead was escorted to a large holding cell after they took my tie, belt, shoe laces, pen and all the money from my pockets .  I tried to convince them that I was not going to hang myself over a dog..at least until I could exact my revenge on him.  I was the only one in the holding cell so I was able to witness the procession of rapists, murderers, wife beaters arsonists and drunkdrivers collected from the night before as they were escorted into my holding cell to share my special day with me.  In that cell there is a camera and a monitor so that everyone can entertain themselves watching the court proceedings to follow.   I was the first before the judge.

“Are you John ____”  ”Yes sir”.  “You have been charged with dog at large and failure to appear”   I’m thinking to myself, like the cop said, just tell the truth,  the whole thing must be a big mistake.  “But”, I began to say…”No buts about it son” the judge chirped as he ordered the bailiff to take me away.  Once back to the holding cell everyone was hysterical other than those whose hangovers and headaches prevented any emotional outbursts.  I sat down next to a particularly LARGE man who obviously could hear things I was incapable of.  I remember him escorted  into the cell earlier that morning when he stopped to ask an apparent friend if he was still going to the clinic for his monthly psychotropic shots…because he hadn’t gotten his for MONTHS.   This was now my best friend.  He showed me how to make my one phone call on a payphone without any money after I noticed he made a particularly long animated call.  I managed to call a friend to come bail me out and the day was saved (I thought).

In walk two deputies carrying a ten foot chain.  The chain was fitted with handcuffs every two feet or so.  I of coursed was cuffed to my new BFF (best friend forever for you non texters).  The ten of us were escorted under guard to a large van.  My BFF (the huge schizophrenic) and I were first in.  The only thing separating us from the deputy driver was an impenetrable metal screen.  We were only a few minutes into our drive to county jail when the deputy turns to my crazy BFF and tells him “we have got your ass now, stupid….those threatening phone calls you made from the cell to the Wallmart security guard are all on tape.”  This kind of set off my BFF throwing him  into a rage.   Hell hath no furry like a scorned schizophrenic off his medications.  The van was rocking and I am now nothing but a stainless steel extension of my BFF’s rage.  If he was flying, I was flying. If he was flailing, I was flailing.   Without a minute to spare we were at county jail where troops were massed to address the situation of the giant angry schizophrenic and his new doctor friend.

We were collectively thrown into a single cell with one stainless steel toilet sink combo.  The fungschwe (sp?) was very poor in that room.  The entire booking process was a source of entertainment.  The photographer (hold this card.  Face the camera.  Turn to your right) felt it was important to share my charges with all his colleagues.  apparently they had never had a “dog at large” matriculate so far through the initial legal system.  Two hours later I was bailed out.  My new BFF and I lost contact.  I often wonder how he is doing.

The initial judge who wouldn’t give me a chance to talk eventually ended in the mental ward of the hospital in which I worked (true story).  The judge who ordered my arrest for dog at large apparently had  issues other  than a deep seated fear of dogs and was voted out of office that year (true story).   I spent too much money on an attorney to have my record expunged and eventually became deputized and the head of the SWAT medical team.  Adidas continued to surf with me and eventually died a peaceful death of old age.

Dedicated to those that lived and died on Sept 11, 2001

I bagan my career as an EMS director in 1985.  My contract stipulated that I was to supervise the EMS activities of all fire departments and EMS agencies in the county.  At that time the county had about a dozen fire departments.  The largest of these were Daytona Fire/Rescue and Volusia county Fire/Rescue.  I would ride on the running boards of the engines in route to motor vehicle accidents and other ems/fire calls until the city manager found out about it.   It must have been my shit eating grin that pissed him off because there is nothing like riding on the running boards of  a fire truck.  To you firefighters out there, you know how long ago that was.  Now we have $300,000 fire engines that can comfortably seat six with air conditioning and headphones.   This blog is not about me, it is about fire fighters and EMS personel.  I am just trying to establish credibility.  I have been there and I know them.

While riding with Daytona Fire/Rescue one night we arrived at the scene of a burning building.  The shift commander and I ran up the steps of an old dilapidated house to find Skip doing mouth to mouth CPR on a comatose known intravenous drug addict as the roof burned above him.  We managed to intubate him on the scene but he subsequently died.  AIDS was by now well known as an EMS hazard.  Neither Skip nor the other firefighters gave it a second thought   It was their job.  So was extrication from burning automobiles, crawling through tunnels and collapsed buildings and  running into places that other people are running out of.

The risk reward ratio for firefighters is rather high.  By that I mean they receive relatively little pay for the risk involved.  They work a completely unpredictable shift and have little control over the future of their twenty four hour cycle.  That is one of their primary sources of stress.  They work in a highly charged environment which may be in an urban war zone or a rural double wide.  One would think that the uniform of a firefighter would be more symbolic of help or rescue but in the poverty and crime ridden urban areas they run they are considered a paramilitary organization just wearing a “uniform” and are often shot at or beaten as the enemy.

So to all firefighters and EMS personel I salute you and thank you for fighting the good fight.

Mundane, but read on!

Sporty the no wonder dog

Lets talk about the mundane.  The very, very mundane, house cleaning.  This too can be more difficult in Abaco.  My dog Sporty, who is still pissed that I rescued “Lucky” the wonder dog (see old blog) decided to do a colon cleanse in the dining room last night.  I imagine this would have been around three A.M.  You see, Sport is now very paranoid of going outside to be mauled by Lucky.  Lucky is not mean just damn happy to be alive and demonstrates that attitude 24/7.

House cleaning doesn’t come naturally.   It is developed through years of trial and error.   Why not hire someone you’re thinking.   Well I consider it an invasion of privacy and a skill that I should master before I pay someone else to do it.  Early this morning I did the primary clean up…paper towels, lysol, formula 409, tooth brush (I guess I should buy a new one).  My plan was to vacuum and mop (I found out a couple of months ago you have to do it in that order) after work.    This afternoon of course the water is now turned off.  This is a daily occurence in Treasure Cay and yes, I did pay my bill.  So until the water utility people get off their three hour lunch break (thank god its not a government job) I will blog until I am no longer pissed off.

It could be worse.  The ambulance crews I used to work with had to clean much worse environmental hazards from the backs of their units on a daily basis.  This is something for you to think about the next time you call an ambulance for your stubbed toe.

At least I live in paradise, but paradise is not perfect or it would be heaven and I would be dead.  That is unless I convert to Buddhism. Then I would be reincarnated as a promiscuous dolphin.  Thank you for your indulgence.  I should have gone to Lincoln park with Roddy or diving with Sarah.

Hogfish Sniping

These skills are not transferable to an Hawaiian sling

Nothing pertaining to hygiene is easy in the Bahamas.  I went to Nassau to have my teeth cleaned.  Although I am sure the country has good dentists, this is one I trust.  It may be the generous administration of Nitrous that engenders my trust in her , but none the less she is quite competent and she complemented me on my gums….or said don’t chew gum.  It’s a bit of a blur.  So I have fallen down a bit on the blog.

My daughter came to visit with her new boyfriend whom she met in fire college.  They both graduate in early October at which time they will be thrust upon an unsuspecting public.  He seems like a great guy.  I had some concerns initially.  He is a recent ex- military sniper in Iraq.  Apparently he had a schrapnel issue and was sent back to the states.  I thought I would test him in the aquatic environment.  Although sniper training skills don’t transfer themselves to an Hawaiian sling, he did alright.  As a former college swimmer, he had no problem with thirty feet for one or two minutes.   He just needs to work on the mental component of freediving and speerfishing.

Two days of partying with the Spanish Cay crew was a bit more than my daughter could handle.  Believe me she is tough as nails.  She did spend much of the day diving yesterday holding back chum.  Her friend admitted to hurting a bit as well.  It did cut down on his bottom time some.   He rushed a shot on a huge hog fish (his first) and scarred it from here to Bimini.  He’ll get better.

Off the rock

I enjoy my life and career here in the Abaco’s, but as everyone knows, sometimes you just have to get off the rock.  I have a friend in the tour business so she got me a great rate at the comfort suites on Paradise Island.  For those of you who haven’t been or are planning to go, the Comfort Suites is part of Kerzners property but half the cost of a room at Atlantis.   For half the cost you get the full benefit of all Atlantis has to offer.

The casino there is large and loud.  Edgy music constantly plays in the background, a fast paced kind of tubular bells tune like in the Omen. It has an eclectic theme of Caribbean sheik mixed with throngs of discount cruise tourists. They are the ones with black socks, berkenstock shoes, Hawaiian shirts,  heavy metal chains and ornaments, menthol cools rolled up in a shirt sleeve, new baseball caps with the bill very straight and slightly rotated on their heads.   They are from Arkansas or Tennessee and chain smoke at the no smoking black jack tables.   That group leaves early with the cruise ship.   After eight there is a slight transition.  You see more long      pants,  flowery dresses, make up, subtle  attractive bling ,

easy come, easy go

 you hear interesting  conversation at the tables and meet even more interesting people.  That night Donald Trump was briefly next to me at the bar.  All the Ms Universe Contestants came through the front door of Nobu and for some reason the bartender started giving me free Grey Goose (rocks/lime).  He must of thought I was with the party.  Free Grey Goose and black jack are a bad combination.

I like black Jack.  The game gives you the best odds if you think and pay attention.  Grey Goose does not prime the thinking machine.  I was doing well, playing two hands and having a very sofisticated conversation with a beautiful lady when I noticed an occassional strange look from some of the players.   After a brief investigation I discovered a green staw protruding  from my left nostril.  I have no drug habits but  remember having been served a vodka on the rocks with a large green staw.   Sure enough that green straw was no longer in my drink.  It is very hard to be sophisticated with a foreign body in your nose so it was time to move on to the craps table.

Craps is a very fast game.  You can quickly make or lose a fortune.  I guess I started out well because I was tiping like the world ends tomorrow.  I was everyones best friend.  Then everyone left, including my money.  It was a short trip but fun.  I ended up breaking even and returned home with new energy.   I also learned to take your straw out of your drink.

As the Turtle Turns

Call me if you see this man wandering around the cay.

I have gotten behind on the blogging recently.  I took some time off and went to Atlantis in order to find out why the Ms. Universe contestants didn’t show up at my house for spaghetti dinner.  Although I didn’t go to the pageant (I was on a tare at the black jack tables) I saw most of the contestants throughout the three days I was there.  I have never seen such a collective group in need of a couple of cheese burgers.  If you can get a copy of Monday’s “PUNCH” you will see the front page story of one of the contestants caught in a compromising  position in an Atlantis hotel room…..the power of Italian food.

Personalities and stories are churning on the old homefront in Daytona.  My soon to be ex’s ex boyfriend (does that make sense?) called my sister in law to inform her of the torid love affair we are having together in Green Turtle Cay.   That would be a dream come true for me.  Lisa is drop dead gorgeous and blessed with more common sense than the Dalai Lama.  Unfortunately she hasn’t been on the Cay in 3 years.   We all know if the rumor were true  GTC would have known about it before the baggage handler unloaded the plane.  For all my Peeps in GTC…watch my back.  A certain scorned pilot is making claims (through a long neck budweiser haze) that he is bringing a gun with him on his next charter trip over to GTC.  It doesn’t get any better than this.  This is really cool stuff.  This is sounding like a gossip column and I think I like the turn in direction.

Summer doldrums are here and everyplace is closing.  I think Babs will give me a key to Pineapples so I can work on my bartending skills.  For this I will trade her in hogfish.  That’s pretty much it for now.  I will keep you all informed of any significant developments.

Land Sharks

Do you know who your's are?

Diving has inherent risks.  The sport would not be as thrilling and invigorating without these risks.  As soon as you enter the water, you are sharing an environment that no longer belongs to you.  Because of adaptations made hundreds of millions of years ago we left that environment.  We wrapped an epithelial envelope around it and crawled out taking with us everything we needed from that primordial environment, as a bag of water with sodium, potassium, trace elemments and several new cellular functions to metabolise oxygen from the air rather than the sea.  While we developed into predators on land,  those we left behind developed their predatorail skills in the sea.

Who won the predatorial race?  We are surrounded by sharks of the most unpredictable kind on land.   Child predators, bosses, lawyers, sociopaths, schizophrenics, bad people with other various personality disorders have all asserted themselves in the land based predatorial threat pyramid.   Health care is rife with them.  We all know administrators who cut staff to the bone in sacrifice of patient safety.  Every day in every ER in every state there enters a patient with the express purpose of seeking a law suit.  Every hospital has at least one dysfunctional doctor or nurse who hasn’t been caught yet.  So why am I more comfortable now in a dangerous strange marine environment with sharks, fire coral, stingrays, jellyfish and the constant threat of shallow water black out and drowning?  Because in that underwater environment I know who my enemies are and I respect them. 

Sharks (ocean type) are unemotional non thinking eating machines.  They could care less that you are in their environment and are more than willing to share it with you if you don’t do anything stupid.  Sharks (land type) are much more threatening because we seldom realise the threat until it is too late.  I train to prevent myself from drowning while free diving.  I can recognise signs of oxygen starvation and impending black out.  I find it harder to recognise early signs of  calculated betrayal, hatred, malice and contempt.  As an old Daytona biker/philosopher once said “mean people suck”.

I much prefer to swim with the real sharks.